


yeah, i feel you

by pepsicola



Category: South Park
Genre: Cigarettes, Crying, Estranged Friendship, F/M, Gen, M/M, Nothing Gold Can Stay, Self-Pity, The Outsiders, brothers having a conversation, let's just go back to the way it was, relationships are implied
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-01-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:08:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22308427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pepsicola/pseuds/pepsicola
Summary: It hurt Kenny to swallow. He flipped up his hood and pulled the strings so he wouldn’t be tempted to cry. He hated crying around Kevin. Kevin never cried; he was always so tough. Kenny wanted to be tough like him, but he was feeling too much, and it was getting harder and harder to ignore.
Relationships: Kenny McCormick & Butters Stotch, Kenny McCormick/Butters Stotch, Shelly Marsh/Kevin McCormick
Comments: 6
Kudos: 68





	yeah, i feel you

It was the third week of April, and it was cold. It always was around this time of year, even if summer was slowly approaching. So far, Kenny hated this school year. He was anxious for its end.

Kenny was sitting in the bed of his dad’s old, broken-down, nonfunctioning pickup truck with Kevin. Kevin, a junior in high school, was doing his Trigonometry homework and was struggling through it. He was biting his pencil and had a scowl on his face. Kevin usually went to Shelly for homework help, but she was babysitting, and Kenny knew Kevin didn’t want to bother her while she was working.

Kevin started grumbling to himself. Then he shot up and threw his pencil across the cracked-up road. He reached into the pocket of his red flannel under his thick winter jacket. He pulled a cigarette from the pack he kept hidden there.

“I thought Shelly told you to stop smoking?” Kenny observed as his brother pulled a lighter from his jeans pocket.

Kevin shrugged. He cupped his hand around the end of the cigarette to block the wind from blowing out the gentle flame of his lighter. Kenny heard the crackle of the cigarette burning, and then he smelled it. Kevin breathed in the smoke, then he breathed it out. “She did, but I still do it from time to time.”

“And she doesn’t know you do it, huh?” Kenny said quietly. There wasn’t much enthusiasm to his words, leaving them to come out weak and defeated.

Kevin nodded. He noticed Kenny’s strange tone of voice. He frowned around the cigarette; his eyebrows furrowed close together. “What’s the matter, Ken? You got something on your mind?”

The questions took all of Kenny’s willpower to not break down and start crying.

Kevin’s brows drew further together. Lines wrinkled his forehead. He scooted closer to Kenny so he was sitting next to him.

“Tell me, Kenny,” Kevin coaxed lightly.

It hurt Kenny to swallow. He flipped up his hood and pulled the strings so he wouldn’t be tempted to cry. He hated crying around Kevin. Kevin never cried; he was always so tough. Kenny wanted to be tough like him, but he was feeling too much, and it was getting harder and harder to ignore.

“I don’t get it, Kev,” Kenny said. His voice was shaking badly, the same way his body was.

Kevin put both arms around Kenny, holding him tight.

Leaning into him, Kenny continued, “What’d I do wrong?”

“You did nothing wrong,” was Kevin’s instant reply.

“No, I must have,” Kenny insisted. “If I didn’t, Leo would still be talking to me.”

Kenny felt Kevin still. Kevin pulled away a little. He pushed back Kenny’s hood, and Kenny saw the worry plastered on his face when his view was unblocked. The cigarette hanging from Kevin’s lip bobbed when he talked. “What do you mean?”

Kenny dug his nails into his palms so he wouldn’t be focused on the stinging behind his eyes. “Leo and I stopped talking in February. I mean really, it started in seventh grade, but I haven’t spoken a word to him since February. And I don’t know why. All I know is I did something wrong, and now he’s not talking to me,” he explained.

Kevin unraveled himself from Kenny to reach into his flannel pocket again. He took out another cigarette and held it out to Kenny. Hesitantly, Kenny took it from him. Kenny had seen his parents, Kevin, and even the goth kids at school smoke. Even he had tried it once. He had an idea of how to do it, so he put the brown end of the cigarette between his lips. As Kevin’s lighter got closer to Kenny’s face, he felt his heartbeat quicken. He remembered the feeling of not being able to breathe the first time he’d tried this.

Flame sprouted from the lighter, catching onto the cigarette. Kenny inhaled quickly, and he ripped the cigarette from his mouth to burst into a coughing fit.

Kevin patted his back. “Not so fast, Ken,” he said. “You gotta draw in a breath slower—then inhale it—then let a breath out.”

Kevin offered Kenny a water bottle, which Kenny gratefully took and gulped down until it was half empty. With a trembling hand, Kenny lifted the cigarette back up to his mouth and followed Kevin’s instructions.

He didn’t cough this time, though he was afraid he would.

After a few more puffs, Kenny felt himself relax. It wasn’t authentic relaxation. It was more of a fake thing that suppressed his roiling emotions. But it calmed him down, and he was grateful.

“Why do you think you did something wrong?” Kevin asked, meaning Kenny’s dilemma with Butters.

Kenny shrugged, putting his head back on Kevin’s shoulder. It had been so long since Kevin held Kenny through his emotional turmoil. Kenny missed it. He wished he had never thought he was getting too old to be comforted by his big brother.

Kevin kept one arm around Kenny, the other free so he could move his cigarette in and out of his mouth, as Kenny told him how this mess started. His words came out so fast they blended together.

“It was one day in seventh grade, and Leo wasn’t talking to me as much. He never seemed to have time to hang out, but I didn’t think much of it then. People get busy, but then when this year started, it became fewer and fewer when we would talk, even though we share a class. And then around February, we hadn’t spoken at all. Not a word. I see him around school, and he’s always hanging out with Cartman. They sit with us at lunch, but Leo never talks to me. I _must_ have done something wrong if Leo would rather hang out with Cartman. There’s so much I don’t understand about it, but I’ve been replaced. I know it.” Kenny gasped for air. He only talked fast when something was bothering him, and that was the fastest he had ever spoken. He took a slow drag from the cigarette.

“Cartman…” Kevin was staring into the distance as he exhaled smoke. “You mean that troublemaking friend of yours?” he asked.

Kenny scoffed. “If you’re describing him nicely, yeah,” he spat.

Kevin glanced at Kenny’s cigarette as he brought it back up to his mouth. Harshly, Kevin snapped, “I better not see you smoking after this. I don’t want you to be like me.”

Kenny promised, “I won’t keep smoking.” He furrowed his eyebrows. “But why can’t I be like you? You seem like a pretty good role model to me.”

Kevin was responsible and resilient. To Kenny, those were some of the main qualities to look for in a role model.

Kevin shook his head, saying, “I’m far from a role model. I don’t want you looking up to me.”

Kenny sunk further into Kevin. He said nothing, but to himself, he thought defiantly, _I think you’re a good role model, Kev, and I’ll admire you no matter what you say._

For a while, Kevin and Kenny sat there smoking, watching the clouds drift by. And then Kevin started rubbing Kenny’s arm. “You know, that thing with you and Leo and Cartman is kinda like what happened between me and Shelly, remember? She stopped having time for me because she would always be with her boyfriend, who seemed to be a new guy every month.”

Kenny said, “But Leo and Cartman aren’t dating. And even if they were, there’s no way they would be able to keep it a secret for so long. Either way, I’m sure Cartman would rather die than date Leo.”

Kevin sighed. “I’m not saying they’re dating. I’m just saying that our situations are similar in the sense that we both lost—or thought we lost—our best friends to someone else, right?”

Kenny shrugged. “I guess so.” He grit his teeth. “But now you and Shelly are made up and dating. Me and Leo aren’t gonna get better.” His throat constricted around his words, causing them to go higher and his breathing irregular as he spoke a mile a minute. “We aren’t friends anymore. He hates me because I’m stupid, and I did something wrong, and I don’t even know what, and _no one_ could understand that—”

“Kenneth McCormick!” Kevin shouted.

Kenny jumped, staring wide-eyed at Kevin. Nobody called Kenny Kenneth. Only Kevin did, especially when he wanted him to listen.

Kevin went on, “There probably ain’t no one else on God’s Earth who could understand your problem better than I can! How dare you assume you’re the only one who’s gone through something like this?” The same way Kenny spoke fast when he was upset, Kevin’s country accent returned.

Kenny was really shaking now, from the cold and holding back tears. “I know, Kev,” he mumbled. “I’m sorry. I just feel so alone. Like I have no one to talk to. I used to talk to Leo about everything, and now I feel like I can’t.”

“No one to talk to?” Kevin echoed, sounding offended. “What am I? A chair or something? This useless pickup? I’m here for you, Ken. I’ve always been.”

Kenny had nothing to say. He knew that he had Kevin, but he was too proud to go to his big brother and admit he was feeling down.

Calm again, Kevin said, “I know what it’s like. I know what it’s like to lose the one person who seems to care about you.” His voice started quivering. His eyes became unfocused. “It hurts, I know it does. It feels like there’s nothing you can do to change it except for watch your friendship fade to nothing.” Kevin looked at Kenny, and his eyes hardened.

Kenny covered up his nervousness by breaking eye contact and smoking his cigarette.

“But things do change, you hear? I know it seems like nothing can get better from where you are now, but it does. It really does.”

Kenny sighed. Smoke from his mouth collected near his dirty shoes before dissipating into the air. “All I want is my best friend back the way it used to be, and I don’t know how to do that.”

Kevin nodded. “Yeah,” he said softly, “I feel you.”

A pause of silence followed. A gust of wind blew through the broken glass of their house’s windows, making a sharp whistling sound. Overgrown grass rustled, along with the leaves on the trees of the nearby woods.

Kenny asked, “How did you and Shelly start talking after all that?”

“I didn’t do much of anything. She just ran up to me crying one day last summer, and we were okay again. I don’t think it’s something you plan on. That’s what I learned because of that. It’s just something that happens, something outta your control,” Kevin said.

Bitterly and sadly, Kenny muttered under his breath, “I don’t think there’s anything that’ll bring me and Leo back.”

“Enough of that,” Kevin snapped. “No more feeling sorry for yourself. It sucks, I know, but your problem ain’t gonna be solved by your self-pity.”

Kenny felt more scolded than he really had been. He curled up tighter on himself. He smoked and smoked his cigarette until it was nothing except the butt.

He watched as Kevin’s pink-from-the-cold fingers carefully took the butt from him. Kevin put it out on the scuffed bed of the truck. Then he chucked it over the side. It disappeared into the dead, yellow grass. Kenny realized Kevin’s cigarette was gone too when he used his hand to bring Kenny’s head down under his chin to stroke his hair.

Kevin’s steady stroking finally broke Kenny. The stinging behind his eyes became unbearable, and the tears escaped.

 _I hate crying in front of Kevin, I hate crying in front of Kevin, I hate crying in front of Kevin, I hate crying in front of Kevin,_ Kenny thought, trying to will himself to stop.

He didn’t. He kept crying. Inwardly, he called himself stupid for wanting to hide his tears from his big brother.

An ugly wail left Kenny, and he was bawling. His sobs were the only sound echoing down the McCormick property.

Kenny felt Kevin’s lips press to the top of his head as he whispered, “It’s okay,” over and over. Kevin’s hand went up and down, up and down through Kenny’s honey-gold hair, detangling the knots and smoothing down the cowlicks.

Kenny clung to Kevin’s coat. He could feel his knuckles whitening.

The last time he had cried this bad, he was twelve. He didn’t want to think about that. Butters was the one he had cried on then, and the memory that came to mind made him cry harder because of the sense of longing it brought along with it.

The collar of Kevin’s shirt was damp with Kenny’s tears, but Kevin didn’t seem to mind. He kept combing his fingers through Kenny’s hair from his forehead to the back of his neck.

“It’s okay, Ken,” he whispered into the top of Kenny’s head. “It’s all right. Nothing can hurt you as long as I’m here. Let it out.”

So Kenny did. He cried until he had no tears left, and he was nothing but hiccuping sobs. Kenny kept his face buried in Kevin’s shoulder. He couldn’t look his brother in the eye like this. Kevin’s arms remained around Kenny, and his hand remained smoothing down his hair.

Kevin smelled like cigarettes and pine. The familiar scent reminded Kenny of being little and crying on Kevin just like this. It tempted Kenny to sleep and forget about this whole thing, but the cold kept him awake. Kevin’s smell eventually stopped Kenny’s crying completely, leaving him silent and tense, but he sniffled from time to time.

Out of nowhere, Kenny remembered his homework. He had a few math problems left, and he had to write a one paragraph summary about chapter seven of _The Outsiders._

Kenny liked _The Outsiders._ It was the best book he had been forced to read in school. It wasn’t so bad either how they would watch the movie once they were finished reading.

“I’m reading _The Outsiders_ in English right now, and this character, Darry, reminds me of you,” Kenny said to Kevin. His voice was all stuffy from too much crying.

Kevin was silent before laughing out loud. “I’d never hit my siblings outta anger!”

Kenny felt himself smile, but he kept his face hidden in Kevin’s shoulder, making his voice muffled. “No, I don’t mean it like that. I mean it like you’re like Darry because you take care of me and Karen, and you sacrifice a lot for us. And you’ve had to mature faster than any kid should in order to take care of us. Plus, you’re a good big brother, and you do a good job raising me and Karen.” Kenny paused. “You read _The Outsiders?”_

“Yeah, I did. In eighth grade like you. It’s still my favorite book to this day,” Kevin said. He went quiet again. Kenny peeked up and saw Kevin’s smile disappear from his face. Kevin mumbled, “I don’t mind it, but… I shouldn’t have to raise you and Kare.”

Deep down, Kenny knew he was right, and he agreed. A seventeen-year-old boy like Kevin shouldn’t be responsible for taking care of his two younger siblings. He was supposed to go out and hang around with his friends and get into trouble, like Kenny did with his. Except Kevin was different because of how he grew up. He didn’t have many friends, he had a lot of responsibility, and when he wasn’t studying or doing homework, he was working. And that was part of the reason why Kenny stopped going to him when he wanted comfort. Kevin felt like too much of an adult, too busy to go to when he was feeling sad or overwhelmed or angry or empty.

And that was why Butters meant so much to Kenny. Kenny’s other friends sometimes forgot he was there because he was so quiet, but Butters never forgot about him. He was always warm and open-hearted, and he was always there for Kenny when Kenny needed him. The day Kenny decided he couldn’t go to Kevin for comfort, he went to Butters. And it was easier to go to him. Butters was his age, and he was there with him at school, so he understood where Kenny was coming from, whereas Kevin had to go back and think about when he was Kenny’s age three years ago.

Kenny used to comfort Butters too. Butters didn’t have an easy homelife either. He felt most of the same stuff Kenny did. Kenny liked being able to relate to him, even if they were relating over pain.

When Kevin and Shelly were going through this same, horrible separation thing, Kenny recalled how last year Kevin warned him to not lose his best friend, to not take the time they had together for granted. Kenny wished he had listened a bit more carefully, because now he didn’t have his best friend. He felt trapped in his emotions. And that was why it hit Kenny so hard when he realized Butters wasn’t interested in their friendship anymore.

“You’re doing a good job raising us,” Kenny said, hoping to get Kevin to smile again. Kevin so rarely smiled.

Kevin didn’t respond. Instead, he lifted Kenny’s head from his shoulder so he could wipe his tears with his sleeve.

Kevin seemed to have a permanent furrow between his brows, because it was there even as he was drying Kenny’s face. Kevin’s hair was a darker blonde than Kenny’s. Kenny had the lightest hair out of his siblings, but they all shared the same worn, violet eyes that had seen too much. All of them had freckles too, though Kenny seemed to have more than Kevin and Karen. Once, they had tried counting their freckles to compare. The results were inconclusive; they kept losing count. And when strangers saw them in the grocery store or someplace all together, they were told how much they all looked alike. Kenny couldn’t see it. Kevin’s jawline was sharper than his, his chin had a dent down the middle, and his eyebrows were darker. Karen was a girl, so her features were delicate and feminine. Kenny couldn’t see the resemblance for the life of him.

Kevin chucked Kenny’s chin, trying for an encouraging smile. He took a deep breath in and said, “Well then, if I’m Darry, you’re Sodapop.”

Kenny almost laughed. “You think?”

“Oh, I know. You got that same charm as him. When I was reading _The Outsiders,_ I couldn’t stop thinking about how much Soda reminds me of you.”

“I guess I _am_ pretty popular with the girls at school like Soda is,” Kenny joked.

Kevin shook his head. “I’m sure you are.” He smiled at the distance. The sunlight turned his skin golden, his eyes glowing and his hair swaying to the breeze. He looked like a scene from a movie. “You’re optimistic too. You know how to deal with things without automatically thinking the worst. But you hide your problems—I know you do, Ken. You’re always looking out for others so much that sometimes you forget about yourself.”

Kenny frowned. He muttered, “You know, I’m starting to hate this book after all this connection we’re laying out between fictional characters and our family.”

Kevin started laughing. It was the kind that made his whole body tremble and his eyes squeeze shut. Kenny put his ear to Kevin’s chest so he could hear the sound of Kevin’s laughter, right from his lungs. It was how he used to calm down when he was little—listening to Kevin’s laugh.

Kevin calmed a little to add, “And remember how Soda was especially close with Pony? That reminded me of you and Karen.”

Kenny groaned. “No more. Don’t make me hate the book. I haven’t even finished it. I’d like to have at least one book I like. So let me have this one, please.”

Kevin laughed harder. Kenny could hear the short intakes of breath, and he could feel the way Kevin shook when he laughed. Suddenly, Kenny wanted to cry all over again, choked up by how much he missed spending time with his brother like this.

Even though Kenny said he wanted to stop connecting his life to the book, he kept going. He couldn’t stop, no matter how much he wanted to. Maybe it was because it kept Kevin laughing and grinning. Maybe it was because when Kevin was lighthearted, it made Kenny feel safest. “Dally kind of reminds me of Cartman. Only a little, though,” he said.

Kevin’s voice took on a teasing tone. “Why? Because they’re both juvenile delinquents and have been arrested multiple times?”

Kenny grinned. “Yeah.” His grin softened until it was gone. His voice broke. “And Johnny sort of reminds me of Leo.”

That was as much explaining he could do. He was crying again, thinking about how much he missed Butters and wanted everything back to normal. He missed the talks they had, he missed walking Butters home, he missed being in his living room doing homework together.

Ponyboy was hung up on that poem “Nothing Gold Can Stay.” Kenny never understood what it meant, even after having to do an analytical paragraph on it. He got a bad grade on it because clearly he hadn’t comprehended the meaning. Now he did. Nothing gold can stay.

Kevin held Kenny tightly as Kenny thought it was an ironic sort of funny how he could withstand dying over and over, but he couldn’t bear through a school day knowing he and Butters weren’t really best friends anymore.

Kevin went back to that thing where he stroked Kenny’s hair, whispering comforts that sounded like the wind. Kevin began rocking Kenny like he was a baby, and Kenny wanted him to stop because he _wasn’t_ a baby, but... maybe he was. He couldn’t get over this thing with Butters, and he was a baby because of it. That’s what he decided.

“It’ll be all right,” Kevin whispered. “You’ll be back with your best friend soon. I know it, Kenny. You gotta trust me. I’ve been where you are. It’ll be all right.”

Kenny didn’t say it, but for once, he didn’t believe his big brother.


End file.
